he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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