Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned