I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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