i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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