it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize