remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
