It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
