Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
