i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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