I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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