I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
