My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
