Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
