i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
