my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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