you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
