he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
