I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
