I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
