i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
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I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
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Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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