Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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