I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
