There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
