You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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