My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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