***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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