i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
