I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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