The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
