"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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