a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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