Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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