Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
