dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
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The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
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Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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