He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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