It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize