i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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