I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
