just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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