nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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