Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
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she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
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the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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