hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
