Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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