Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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