I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Terrible idea I love it
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
