I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
