I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
