My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
