I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
