OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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