My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
