I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm at about main and main street
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
