Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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