Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
