Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
