So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize